You sit there
and listen to pink Floyd
I sit and think about
my blood and brains
splattering the wall
behind me.
Go figure
This is Probably Wrong, But Oh, Well! #IAmWrong #LOL
You know, I’m going to babble a minute before I get right to the point of this post. Okay, here goes. lol not much babbling.
Is it wrong for me to hate memories on Facebook? I don’t mean my memories, I mean every fucking body else’s! lol Yes, I said! No one fucking cares about your fucking staycation, vacation, or whatever cation your bitch ass took. Ya, I’m in a RIPE-ASS Mood! It’s 6:47 AM, I have been up since about 4:45 AM and now it’s about to fucking storm. So, I’ll probably lose my internet and won’t be able to rant about you people and your fucking wonderful memories that make me so fucking sick! No one cares where you went, who you were with, and/or how fucking great it was.
Ya, I do nothing, can you tell? I have no wonderful memories. Hell, I cannot even remember fun things from when I was a kid. What are good memories. I have memories of one thing that was the best thing in my life. But other than that pfft…
Anyway, I just wanted to say that your memories make me sick. I wish you didn’t share them and ya, what the fuck ever!
I Hate My “Life” Because, I Can’t Even Be ME!
I can never just be me, it sucks so bad. Normally, I hold it all in, but sometimes, I just come out as floodgates have opened. I talk normally like myself, but I’m accused of wanting to argue constantly. I don’t know why I’m fucking here anymore. I’m so sick of it that I can’t even deal with life and I just take some sleeping pills (Normal dose) and go to sleep only to wake up and have to start again. It’s really the story of my life.
We’re discussing if a toilet seat will fit the elongated toilet we have. He says it will, and I say it won’t. I know it won’t. I am a good judge of distance and that toilet seat he bought doesn’t fit. However, when we were discussing this I said to him, I bet you every dime in your pocket in my normal voice which is a bit louder than most people, it’s just how I talk and have always talked. Instantly, I was told I wanted to argue that’s all I do. I instantly started crying today, saying I cannot take, I can’t be me. I truly can’t. It sucks too! I know what it’s like to not be accepted for you are.
One day, when I’m gone, if I go before him. I hope he realizes that it’s too late to fix anything and it hurts him really bad. He will deserve it because I have been a good wife for all these 25+ years. I have stayed home, I didn’t go out and party, I waited on him, I served him dinner, I did his laundry, I did everything I should as a wife, but sometimes, it’s just not enough! There’s nothing you can do about it.
So, I will sadly live through it forever. Because I honestly love this fucker! I just wish I could be my normal self without being told I’m trying to be something or do something I’m not. That is killing me because I just want to be myself without fear of what I say or if I laugh too loud it’s a problem. I mean, I’m naturally I loud person, I NEVER hid that, I couldn’t. One of his friends we’ll call him Bill for his privacy, but he’s a loud person and yells all the time, but not negatively just noisy! I’m like that too! Why can you accept your friend/father figure for being that way, but not me? You probably picked my loud ass because of that Bill guy! It’s what you were used to.
So, why pick on me for being loud, why hurt my feelings for being loud and being myself. It hurts me and I hope one day you find all the things I write and it really sinks in how you made me feel.
Lack of Life, Love, and Passion
Imagine a life where anything you said didn’t matter. No one heard you, no one really acknowledged you. It’s kinda like being dead while being alive. I try and try to make them see it but they’re completely blind to the realization that it could be like that. They’re honestly, isn’t a day that goes by where it doesn’t happen I speak and I’m NEVER heard. Damn, it! Why can’t you hear me, why can’t you listen to hear me, why can’t you acknowledge what I say. Could you imagine if I did that to you? Ha, that would go over like a lead balloon.
You see, I’m required to do these tasks everyday, they show my love for you, they are really the only reason I exist. People talk about slavery, but imagine slavery as control of another person, race doesn’t matter. I feel enslaved and like I’m not free to be me or do as I please. If I speak like myself I’m stupid or crazy. I’m more honest than most people, I’m real and say what I think. SHUT UP you DON’T do that! You stay quiet you do not have a voice! NO one wants to hear you!
I miss when I was free to be me, free to engage and it feel right, free to just be! But, that’ll never be me, because it cant you see. I have been stuck to you and know nothing else. I am in a place in my life where I’m at a loss, I just don’t know what to do anymore. but I know this, I’m tired, very, very tired! I pray for death to come for me some days, then the death of others on another day. I would never hurt anyone or myself, but I feel dead already. I just exist to serve others and be miserable NEVER knowing what happiness is any more. I had it once, but it wasn’t really real, but it sure felt like it. I sure miss that, I need that, I crave that, I long for that, I beg you for that! But I get NOTHING, I guess I deserve nothing.
I have been waiting for my entire life. For what? I do not know, maybe to be happy, maybe for death. No one hears me now, so what’s it matter if I’m gone. I thrive with snacks, coffees, and a buzz. If I didn’t have that little buzz I get now and then, I’d probably lose my shit. I dunno, but I’m so tired of not being heard, I’m tired of feeling so lonely and sad, I’m just plain tired of feeling like shit everyday. Waiting for that moment you change the way you look at me and you love me for me. Not just empty I love you’s that I feel NOTHING from. I don’t even want to say it to you anymore, but I’m afraid if I stop and something happens I’ll have something else to feel guilty about.
There is one place I’m kinda free and sometimes it’s magical! In my dreams, I will be in somber soon and will be dreaming of some crazy shit that is hopefully fun. Imagine, if your dreams are all you did in your life. I have had dreams of all kinds, we all have, but a lot of times I don’t remember them. So, I get ripped off from the memory. Imagine if your dreams are what you made memories of!
My Tortured Soul is really tortured and going off the rails on the crazy train.
Uhhhhhh, Welcome to my Tortured Fucking Soul…
If you’re here, it’s because you’re probably like me, or you’re just searching off in no man’s land. Well, I’m nobody, and this is my fucking blog. I write about how I feel, what I think, and whatever I want. Do not judge me, but I don’t give a flying fuck what you or anyone else thinks of me. No one and it means NO ONE can hurt me more than I break my damn self. Yep, I said it, Myself!
Well, if you think WOW, they are a jerk. Let me tell you, I know, I am, and don’t deny it! I use the word Fuck a lot; I use lots of swear words; I swear like a sailor if that’s an accurate statement. I don’t know.
I’m a young, but older woman, who is not married, but is. Please don’t approach me as you know me, because you don’t. You never know what you’ll get when you speak to me because I don’t even know what you’ll get. I’m a quick draw and will tell it like it is even if you don’t like it. A lot of people do not like me because of that, and well, I don’t give a fuck! You’ll see me use that phrase “I don’t give a fuck” as “IDGAF.” I’m telling you this, so you know what that means if you do not know. Suppose you do, good for you!
Anyway, life is meaningless, and most of the time, I wonder why the fuck I’m even here? I don’t know and never will, but I can’t help but wonder. Oh, ya, I’m someone’s sick joke or mistake, I should have been swallowed. So I never had to be in this existence, but sure, I’d end up being someone else.
I hope in a previous or future lifetime, I’m happy. Because, in this lifetime, I have NO fucking idea what being happy is. I’m miserable every day; sure, I put on a smile and fake it sometimes. I do this only to appease the imbeciles.
Hollow
Hollow this life it’s just how I feel
No one will understand just what they steal
My emotions are gone and now I feel nothing
It’s easier this way, did you think I was bluffing?
Not a chance in this world did I ever have
So, I make it my own chance to get what I need
It’s now about, him and/or her
it’s about me and what I deserve
If you lie with dogs you will get fleas
It’ll take him to learn that before he can see
It has to happen, I wish you understood
with a vicious dog, nothing is good.
Undying, Tortured Love
You invade my dreams when I’m sound and asleep.
Then you flood my thoughts all through the day.
As soon as you’re gone, you remind me again.
I’ll never be free of you, not from my brain, heart, or dreams.
I have learned to just accept it and move on cause it’s fate.
Always reminded of what can never be,
it’s just how goes, that’s just life for me.
Undying, tortured Love
You Stupid Bitch: An Ode to a Cunt Named Brittany
It’s only fair that I wish you see,
that you deserve the same pain as me.
Your time will come and you will see,
Just how painful you made it for me.
You stupid bitch, I am a witch,
you fucked with me,
what a mistake you see!
The karma began when your money was taken,
you stupid cunt you’ve made me darken.
your ignorant response has won you this wish
that you feel the pain of every fucking stitch!
Truthfully
Remember, I warned you of things to come.
Again, you act like you’re sofa king dumb.
You say things that don’t even make any sense,
your reasons and excuses are always your fence!
You never just talk or treat me like a friend,
I just cannot wait for this to fucking end!
I’m tired of being along and feeling so sad
When I speak to you, it always turns out bad
I respond about something that’s on TV, You say what’, what did they say,
as if I didn’t matter anyway.
I know my place and I know where I stand
It’s time for me to give up this band,
It’s not real anyway,
besides, I’m tired of it every day!
Thereafter
I think about the time to come and what that’s going to bring. A whisp through time to start again and go through this once more. It’s funny now, cause I remember somehow, that this is going to happen. It’s like my lights will go out and then, I’ll be back as someone new. I hate the thought of starting over, why do we have to do this. The bible shows ages of 900 years old and more, why can’t we have a good part of that too? I hate the thought that again, my friends and I have to start anew.
As the story unfolds and the truth is then told, we’ll learn that we’ve always been apart, even though it seems we live a new life every time we restart. They say it’s heaven or it is hell, but that’s not quite the way. You just keep reliving this life as you did from the beginning day. So, live life strong, feel good, love long, for one day that will all be gone. You’ll start once more, but it won’t be the same, but you’ll go through that door anyway…