Imagine a life where anything you said didn’t matter. No one heard you, no one really acknowledged you. It’s kinda like being dead while being alive. I try and try to make them see it but they’re completely blind to the realization that it could be like that. They’re honestly, isn’t a day that goes by where it doesn’t happen I speak and I’m NEVER heard. Damn, it! Why can’t you hear me, why can’t you listen to hear me, why can’t you acknowledge what I say. Could you imagine if I did that to you? Ha, that would go over like a lead balloon.
You see, I’m required to do these tasks everyday, they show my love for you, they are really the only reason I exist. People talk about slavery, but imagine slavery as control of another person, race doesn’t matter. I feel enslaved and like I’m not free to be me or do as I please. If I speak like myself I’m stupid or crazy. I’m more honest than most people, I’m real and say what I think. SHUT UP you DON’T do that! You stay quiet you do not have a voice! NO one wants to hear you!
I miss when I was free to be me, free to engage and it feel right, free to just be! But, that’ll never be me, because it cant you see. I have been stuck to you and know nothing else. I am in a place in my life where I’m at a loss, I just don’t know what to do anymore. but I know this, I’m tired, very, very tired! I pray for death to come for me some days, then the death of others on another day. I would never hurt anyone or myself, but I feel dead already. I just exist to serve others and be miserable NEVER knowing what happiness is any more. I had it once, but it wasn’t really real, but it sure felt like it. I sure miss that, I need that, I crave that, I long for that, I beg you for that! But I get NOTHING, I guess I deserve nothing.
I have been waiting for my entire life. For what? I do not know, maybe to be happy, maybe for death. No one hears me now, so what’s it matter if I’m gone. I thrive with snacks, coffees, and a buzz. If I didn’t have that little buzz I get now and then, I’d probably lose my shit. I dunno, but I’m so tired of not being heard, I’m tired of feeling so lonely and sad, I’m just plain tired of feeling like shit everyday. Waiting for that moment you change the way you look at me and you love me for me. Not just empty I love you’s that I feel NOTHING from. I don’t even want to say it to you anymore, but I’m afraid if I stop and something happens I’ll have something else to feel guilty about.
There is one place I’m kinda free and sometimes it’s magical! In my dreams, I will be in somber soon and will be dreaming of some crazy shit that is hopefully fun. Imagine, if your dreams are all you did in your life. I have had dreams of all kinds, we all have, but a lot of times I don’t remember them. So, I get ripped off from the memory. Imagine if your dreams are what you made memories of!
My Tortured Soul is really tortured and going off the rails on the crazy train.