I can never just be me, it sucks so bad. Normally, I hold it all in, but sometimes, I just come out as floodgates have opened.  I talk normally like myself, but I’m accused of wanting to argue constantly. I don’t know why I’m fucking here anymore. I’m so sick of it that I can’t even deal with life and I just take some sleeping pills (Normal dose) and go to sleep only to wake up and have to start again. It’s really the story of my life.

We’re discussing if a toilet seat will fit the elongated toilet we have. He says it will, and I say it won’t. I know it won’t. I am a good judge of distance and that toilet seat he bought doesn’t fit. However, when we were discussing this I said to him, I bet you every dime in your pocket in my normal voice which is a bit louder than most people, it’s just how I talk and have always talked. Instantly, I was told I wanted to argue that’s all I do.  I instantly started crying today, saying I cannot take, I can’t be me. I truly can’t. It sucks too! I know what it’s like to not be accepted for you are.

One day, when I’m gone, if I go before him.  I hope he realizes that it’s too late to fix anything and it hurts him really bad. He will deserve it because I have been a good wife for all these 25+ years. I have stayed home, I didn’t go out and party, I waited on him, I served him dinner, I did his laundry, I did everything I should as a wife, but sometimes, it’s just not enough! There’s nothing you can do about it.

So, I will sadly live through it forever. Because I honestly love this fucker! I just wish I could be my normal self without being told I’m trying to be something or do something I’m not. That is killing me because I just want to be myself without fear of what I say or if I laugh too loud it’s a problem. I mean, I’m naturally I loud person, I NEVER hid that, I couldn’t.  One of his friends we’ll call him Bill for his privacy, but he’s a loud person and yells all the time, but not negatively just noisy! I’m like that too! Why can you accept your friend/father figure for being that way, but not me? You probably picked my loud ass because of that Bill guy! It’s what you were used to.

So, why pick on me for being loud, why hurt my feelings for being loud and being myself.  It hurts me and I hope one day you find all the things I write and it really sinks in how you made me feel.