You sit there
and listen to pink Floyd
I sit and think about
my blood and brains
splattering the wall
behind me.
Go figure
Category: Dark Diaries
I Hate My “Life” Because, I Can’t Even Be ME!
I can never just be me, it sucks so bad. Normally, I hold it all in, but sometimes, I just come out as floodgates have opened. I talk normally like myself, but I’m accused of wanting to argue constantly. I don’t know why I’m fucking here anymore. I’m so sick of it that I can’t even deal with life and I just take some sleeping pills (Normal dose) and go to sleep only to wake up and have to start again. It’s really the story of my life.
We’re discussing if a toilet seat will fit the elongated toilet we have. He says it will, and I say it won’t. I know it won’t. I am a good judge of distance and that toilet seat he bought doesn’t fit. However, when we were discussing this I said to him, I bet you every dime in your pocket in my normal voice which is a bit louder than most people, it’s just how I talk and have always talked. Instantly, I was told I wanted to argue that’s all I do. I instantly started crying today, saying I cannot take, I can’t be me. I truly can’t. It sucks too! I know what it’s like to not be accepted for you are.
One day, when I’m gone, if I go before him. I hope he realizes that it’s too late to fix anything and it hurts him really bad. He will deserve it because I have been a good wife for all these 25+ years. I have stayed home, I didn’t go out and party, I waited on him, I served him dinner, I did his laundry, I did everything I should as a wife, but sometimes, it’s just not enough! There’s nothing you can do about it.
So, I will sadly live through it forever. Because I honestly love this fucker! I just wish I could be my normal self without being told I’m trying to be something or do something I’m not. That is killing me because I just want to be myself without fear of what I say or if I laugh too loud it’s a problem. I mean, I’m naturally I loud person, I NEVER hid that, I couldn’t. One of his friends we’ll call him Bill for his privacy, but he’s a loud person and yells all the time, but not negatively just noisy! I’m like that too! Why can you accept your friend/father figure for being that way, but not me? You probably picked my loud ass because of that Bill guy! It’s what you were used to.
So, why pick on me for being loud, why hurt my feelings for being loud and being myself. It hurts me and I hope one day you find all the things I write and it really sinks in how you made me feel.
Truthfully
Remember, I warned you of things to come.
Again, you act like you’re sofa king dumb.
You say things that don’t even make any sense,
your reasons and excuses are always your fence!
You never just talk or treat me like a friend,
I just cannot wait for this to fucking end!
I’m tired of being along and feeling so sad
When I speak to you, it always turns out bad
I respond about something that’s on TV, You say what’, what did they say,
as if I didn’t matter anyway.
I know my place and I know where I stand
It’s time for me to give up this band,
It’s not real anyway,
besides, I’m tired of it every day!
Thereafter
I think about the time to come and what that’s going to bring. A whisp through time to start again and go through this once more. It’s funny now, cause I remember somehow, that this is going to happen. It’s like my lights will go out and then, I’ll be back as someone new. I hate the thought of starting over, why do we have to do this. The bible shows ages of 900 years old and more, why can’t we have a good part of that too? I hate the thought that again, my friends and I have to start anew.
As the story unfolds and the truth is then told, we’ll learn that we’ve always been apart, even though it seems we live a new life every time we restart. They say it’s heaven or it is hell, but that’s not quite the way. You just keep reliving this life as you did from the beginning day. So, live life strong, feel good, love long, for one day that will all be gone. You’ll start once more, but it won’t be the same, but you’ll go through that door anyway…
Time For A Change
What’s done is done and this cannot be fixed.
Too much hurt and emotions are mixed
into this fight and feeling of pain,
No matter if you’re sorry, my trust you won’t regain!
One time in my life, I never thought you would
you only proved me wrong, by the things you could
do that I thought you never could do
but I was in love and just a young fool.
I gave you everything I had to give,
you returned the favor by letting me live
with you while you’re gone away and untrue
my heart hurt so bad, I didn’t know what to do.
My life I wanted to take and just end it all,
but you would change all with one call.
I love you, I’m sorry, it’s nothing…
after I found a half-naked picture of a woman’s ass he sent to another girl saying best tattoo ever.
Tired, So, Tired
The pills you see make me sleep
I like to sleep so I don’t have to feel
I can put away all that shit and dream
about shit, I don’t want to dream about either.
Why does it seem like everything is against me?
Like it doesn’t matter I’m here for nothing,
but slavery, yes, I said! Slavery.
I am nothing more than that.
I do everything and I’m tired!
No one seems to give me anything in return.
Material things mean nothing, plus I have none.
Lover, Writer, Unique Creature
I’m a writer by heart
and a lover, by nature.
Don’t get me wrong,
I’m a unique creature.
By the time that they see,
It’ll be too late,
For at the end of the day,
It’ll just be my fate!
No one knows what,
and neither do I
For what will come
will be just for my
lover to see me for me
a lover and friend so that’s what I am.
I couldn’t have dreamed or made it up
just remember the time you were my man!
I’d Rather Deck You!
I’m not impressed and never will be
she’s not that special & and NOTHING to me
you go ahead and keep torturing thee
I’ll remove you soon it’s how it must be
I miss your face it’s sad to say
But I’d rather deck you than ever lay!
