Category: General Bullshit

This is Probably Wrong, But Oh, Well! #IAmWrong #LOL

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You know, I’m going to babble a minute before I get right to the point of this post.  Okay, here goes. lol not much babbling.

Is it wrong for me to hate memories on Facebook? I don’t mean my memories, I mean every fucking body else’s! lol Yes, I said! No one fucking cares about your fucking staycation, vacation, or whatever cation your  bitch ass took. Ya, I’m in a RIPE-ASS Mood! It’s 6:47 AM, I have been up since about 4:45 AM and now it’s about to fucking storm. So, I’ll probably lose my internet and won’t be able to rant about you people and your fucking wonderful memories that make me so fucking sick! No one cares where you went, who you were with, and/or how fucking great it was.

Ya, I do nothing, can you tell? I have no wonderful memories. Hell, I cannot even remember fun things from when I was a kid.  What are good memories. I have memories of one thing that was the best thing in my life. But other than that pfft…

Anyway, I just wanted to say that your memories make me sick. I wish you didn’t share them and ya, what the fuck ever!

I Hate My “Life” Because, I Can’t Even Be ME!

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I can never just be me, it sucks so bad. Normally, I hold it all in, but sometimes, I just come out as floodgates have opened.  I talk normally like myself, but I’m accused of wanting to argue constantly. I don’t know why I’m fucking here anymore. I’m so sick of it that I can’t even deal with life and I just take some sleeping pills (Normal dose) and go to sleep only to wake up and have to start again. It’s really the story of my life.

We’re discussing if a toilet seat will fit the elongated toilet we have. He says it will, and I say it won’t. I know it won’t. I am a good judge of distance and that toilet seat he bought doesn’t fit. However, when we were discussing this I said to him, I bet you every dime in your pocket in my normal voice which is a bit louder than most people, it’s just how I talk and have always talked. Instantly, I was told I wanted to argue that’s all I do.  I instantly started crying today, saying I cannot take, I can’t be me. I truly can’t. It sucks too! I know what it’s like to not be accepted for you are.

One day, when I’m gone, if I go before him.  I hope he realizes that it’s too late to fix anything and it hurts him really bad. He will deserve it because I have been a good wife for all these 25+ years. I have stayed home, I didn’t go out and party, I waited on him, I served him dinner, I did his laundry, I did everything I should as a wife, but sometimes, it’s just not enough! There’s nothing you can do about it.

So, I will sadly live through it forever. Because I honestly love this fucker! I just wish I could be my normal self without being told I’m trying to be something or do something I’m not. That is killing me because I just want to be myself without fear of what I say or if I laugh too loud it’s a problem. I mean, I’m naturally I loud person, I NEVER hid that, I couldn’t.  One of his friends we’ll call him Bill for his privacy, but he’s a loud person and yells all the time, but not negatively just noisy! I’m like that too! Why can you accept your friend/father figure for being that way, but not me? You probably picked my loud ass because of that Bill guy! It’s what you were used to.

So, why pick on me for being loud, why hurt my feelings for being loud and being myself.  It hurts me and I hope one day you find all the things I write and it really sinks in how you made me feel.

Lack of Life, Love, and Passion

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Imagine a life where anything you said didn’t matter. No one heard you, no one really acknowledged you. It’s kinda like being dead while being alive. I try and try to make them see it but they’re completely blind to the realization that it could be like that.  They’re honestly, isn’t a day that goes by where it doesn’t happen I speak and I’m NEVER heard. Damn, it! Why can’t you hear me, why can’t you listen to hear me, why can’t you acknowledge what I say.   Could you imagine if I did that to you? Ha, that would go over like a lead balloon.

You see, I’m required to do these tasks everyday, they show my love for you, they are really the only reason I exist.  People talk about slavery, but imagine slavery as control of another person, race doesn’t matter.  I feel enslaved and like I’m not free to be me or do as I please. If I speak like myself I’m stupid or crazy.  I’m more honest than most people, I’m real and say what I think. SHUT UP you DON’T do that! You stay quiet you do not have a voice! NO one wants to hear you!

I miss when I was free to be me, free to engage and it feel right, free to just be! But, that’ll never be me, because it cant you see. I have been stuck to you and know nothing else. I am in a place in my life where I’m at a loss, I just don’t know what to do anymore. but I know this, I’m tired, very, very tired! I pray for death to come for me some days, then the death of others on another day. I would never hurt anyone or myself, but I feel dead already. I just exist to serve others and be miserable NEVER knowing what happiness is any more. I had it once, but it wasn’t really real, but it sure felt like it.  I sure miss that, I need that, I crave that, I long for that, I beg you for that! But I get NOTHING, I guess I deserve nothing.

I have been waiting for my entire life. For what? I do not know, maybe to be happy, maybe for death. No one hears me now, so what’s it matter if I’m gone. I thrive with snacks, coffees, and a buzz. If I didn’t have that little buzz I get now and then, I’d probably lose my shit. I dunno, but I’m so tired of not being heard, I’m tired of feeling so lonely and sad, I’m just plain tired of feeling like shit everyday. Waiting for that moment you change the way you look at me and you love me for me. Not just empty I love you’s that I feel NOTHING from. I don’t even want to say it to you anymore, but I’m afraid if I stop and something happens I’ll have something else to feel guilty about.

There is one place I’m kinda free and sometimes it’s magical! In my dreams, I will be in somber soon and will be dreaming of some crazy shit that is hopefully fun.  Imagine, if your dreams are all you did in your life. I have had dreams of all kinds, we all have, but a lot of times I don’t remember them. So, I get ripped off from the memory. Imagine if your dreams are what you made memories of!

My Tortured Soul is really tortured and going off the rails on the crazy train.